It's OK to Look at Babies

So, I strolled down the hall with my crazy coworker (one that I've outted myself to). There was a baby in a stroller, and I did what's become commonplace over the past few years, I ignored the baby. As in, didn't even turn toward the baby. And there was no mental conversation associated with it, no "don't look, don't look, it'll hurt...". I just automatically did it. The crazy coworker stopped and ooooed and awwwed and said, "Hey PJ, you're gonna have two of those". And so I stopped and looked, probably with a dumbfounded expression on my face. It was very strange. Infertility leaves scars.

I also carpool with two women who are in their early 50's, neither of which has had children. One seems ok with everything, and generally happy and excited about my situation. The other went through some infertility workups and had both low ovarian reserve and a septic uterus (we're close in carpool, what can I say?). She was told they would have to do donor egg with IVF, and so she went the foster parent route - which has been both good but also incredibly difficult. Anyway, I sense some weirdness between us. Like she witnessed me getting sick one day, and said, "that happens"! And she's just not excited about it to the point of which I feel guilty about sharing anything. Just general weirdness... I can't explain. So, that's been a hard place to be in.

But generally, I'm thinking about pregnancy, and can allow myself to concentrate on the next month or two. I got maternity pants. They are a little too big, but much better than the alternative of wearing my pants unbuttoned and unzipped. I'm now at that stage where I can't even zip them but about an inch. The Bella Band was just OK, there seemed to be a LOT of tugging and adjusting them. So, pretty much my yoga pants with drawstrings are the best right now!

The best news is that the Zofran WORKS! So far I just need one in the morning and I'm good to go! I almost feel human, except for the relentless fatigue, and you know... the angry boobs and peeing addiction.

10 weeks, tomorrow. :)

Randomness

Hmmm... so much randomness to blog about.

I ordered my last progesterone in oil from the Freedom Fertility today. I get to stop on the 17th, and my itchy, angry, lumpy ass is so excited about that! Freedom Pharmacy has really been spectacular, and I want to give them a shout out. I have to go by the R.E.'s office to pick it up tomorrow though, because someone's got to sign for it.

I had another really bad day at work with the nausea. I'll just leave it at that. It wrecked my day. Vitamin B6 and Unisom do not work, and I don't like how the Unisom made me feel. The Sea Bands don't seem to work either. Those ginger chews help a little, but they give me heartburn. I got the Zofran this evening, but the insurance company will only cover 20 pills or a 13 day supply, which retailed at $167! So I'm saving them for work only, just so I can function. Hopefully they will get me through these next few weeks, and it'll ease up over the two weeks I'm off for the holidays.

I ended up telling my boss, because I was really close to asking for the rest of the day off and I have just been a general mess lately, and "pregnant with twins" seems to be a good excuse. He went to hug me, and I was like... um, no you don't want to do that! Then later he laughed at me (like a LOT!) for having the trash can near me at our meeting!

And I had to change my shirt, so I went to the school nurse and I ended up telling her. Note to self: In addition to bringing my whole fridge to work, bring a change of clothes.

Another teacher heard me hurling and kind of guessed and totally lost her mind in giddiness.

I think my assistant told another assistant. Although, I'm kind of surprised she hasn't put it on Facebook or Twitter yet, or even announced it over the school intercom.

So, the cat's kind of out of the bag. At 9 weeks. Surely I will be cursed.




My babies like cheeseburgers with extra pickles and milkshakes. Just thought I'd throw that in there.


I got a bella band, but haven't tried it. I'm kind of attached to my yoga pants. I ordered some maternity pants, because I needed petite anyway (not that I'm petite all over, I'm just short and round). I'm guessing the store doesn't carry them, nor do I really want to go there. Hopefully they will fit. See, surely I will be cursed.

Mr. PJ got the book The Expectant Father, and has been asking me ALL KINDS of questions that I am not ready to think about! But mostly, I think this whole thing is kind of abstract to him still.


Mr. PJ says my boobs look angry. They definitely feel angry!

And last randomness, do you like my floating babies widgets?

First Prenatal Visit/9 Week Ultrasound

Still two babies, with two heartbeats at 174 and 176 bpm, both measuring at 9 weeks exactly. One even waved at us! The nurse practitioner said that would be our wild child. :)

This whole thing is still surreal to me.

Walking into the OB's office, full of pregnant women was not painful. I thought it might be, but it was really ok. What was NOT ok was the HOUR wait, and let's just make that an hour and 15 minutes, since I was told to be there 15 minutes early to fill out the paperwork. I almost regret busting out of work early, but since I got sick in front of the kids, right before I left... I was glad to leave!

But when the nurse practitioner and her nurse both apologized for the wait, I said they could make it up to me by doing the ultrasound first (plus my poor husband had left work to BE THERE for me, justincase somethinggoesawry, and I wanted him to be able to go back to work). So yes, it was worth the wait. I can't believe those are MY babies! Like... this might possibly actually work out? Surreal.



Yet... the nausea and the incredible fatigue and the having to eat 24/7 and good grief the peeing... make it believable. Dear Lord!!! This is HARD!

I did miss my familiar R.E.'s office, where I knew everyone. I missed the private bathroom with the fancy lotions that I never used, and the real cloth sheets to wrap your bottom half in. Mostly, I missed not waiting. I hardly ever waited there. You know, except for that 6 week ultrasound a few weeks ago in which I almost had a coronary over the stress...

So today's appointment was with the nurse practitioner. She's had 5 children herself via IVF, including a set of twins. She was pretty darn cool! We just went through lots of medical history stuff, and scheduled three appointments. Bloodwork next week, an early screening stuff appointment, which is on the 23rd. Ugh, I have to wait 20 days for another peek at the babies!!! And then a real OB appointment (which is NOT with the main OB guy, which is why I choose this practice). I guess that's how it goes, but still...

We discussed the nausea and I'm going to try the sea bands and a combination of vitamin B6 and 1/2 a unisom (ever hear of this combination?). If that doesn't work, I may try either a drug called phenergan or zofran. This week has been BAD! I don't know if I can function like this. Let me know your thoughts if you have experience with any of this stuff. I'm desperate.

I've really made an effort to eat more this week, thus eating ALL day, trying to get in lots of protein, and I'm still a mess.

My boss came to observe me teach today and all I could think about was the utter and total crap I must look like. I think I might tell him soon, so that I at least have an excuse for looking strung out. .

I did tell my 9 months pregnant friend at work, which was awesome! She was thrilled and could totally relate to how hard it is to teach during the 1st trimester.

Please God, let this work out.

So... traveling during the first trimester...

NOT a great idea!

Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to be knocked up and the infertile in me will always feel a little guilty for complaining about pregnancy symptoms, and part of it is definitely reassuring, but.... I think yesterday was pretty high on my list of embarrassing, uncomfortable, icky things that have happened to me.

But let's rewind, shall we...

Added to the list of things that repulse me while pregnant:

The smell of TURKEY filling the air around me on Thanksgiving...

My mother in law's Turkey Tetrazini...

Anything with sausage in it. Including my sister in law's casserole that she probably slaved over.

My husband's cologne in a bathroom that's all steamy after his shower - very claustrophobic...

And mostly, MOSTLY, having an empty stomach. I KNOW I'm not eating enough. Though I'm trying. I did go out and buy a bunch of high protein snacks and tried to pair them with good carbs, like peanut butter and apples, hummus and bread, yogurt and grape nuts... Let me know if you have other ideas. I'm thinking of trying protein shakes and I just got Barbara Luke's book, and will be looking through it for ideas.

I did try preggie drops this morning and loved them!

But yesterday, yesterday was horrible. We drove eight hours, through the mountains. I got violently sick, twice. It was ugly. So ugly.

Also, I'm just not myself. I'm tired and kind of grouchy, and kind of have lost some personality.

I did enjoy the distraction of being away. I am still worried that something will go wrong, but have kind of accepted that there's nothing I can do about it, and worrying is not good for me. I know the odds are probably in my favor for once. Oh how I hope those babies are doing well and growing up a storm. I love them already.

Hmmm.... in other news, I do have my very first OB appointment this Thursday, when I will be exactly 9 weeks. It's just with the nurse practitioner, and then apparently then I rotate through the three doctors at the practice. I guess that's pretty normal? I'm wondering how often I'll get to go. I know my scary NT Scan will be coming up soon.

So, let me know if you have pregnancy eating tips. I could use your wisdom!

7w5d Ultrasound

OK, this was LAST week at 6w4d. Pardon the crappy iPhone picture of a picture...

The babies are HUGE!!! Gigantic! Enormous! I can't believe how much they grew over the past week! Both with little hearts beating, and measuring where they should be. Hooray! This is today at 7w5d. Simply amazing!

Such a huge sigh of relief for both of us! I told Mr. PJ to start letting himself get excited, and I think this helped. I also asked the R.E. about the chances of things being ok from here on out, and he was pretty reassuring. But he also said we could come in between now and whenever my OB appointment is for another scan, if we are worried... or if we just need reassurance. But technically, we graduated today!

I'm calling the OB to make an appointment tomorrow.

Thanks so very much for your comments on my last post. They REALLY helped! Although, I was still ridiculously nervous and nauseated on the way to the appointment, and on top of it, we were stuck in the elevator with a woman who wreaked of cigarettes -- as I'd just gagged before stepping into the elevator. Ugh!

Breathing a sigh of relief, for today atleast. :)

Worries...

Yep. I'm worried already. I'm worried about Tuesday's scan.

I hate that I can't enjoy this like a fertile -- oblivious to all of the things that could go wrong.

I mean, chances are things are just fine, but...

I'm having a hard time believing that this time could be different, even though so far it is a lot different.

I've had this faint slightly crampy feeling on my right side all day that's slightly worrying me. I cleaned today, vacuumed, did laundry, etc... and I think that brought it on. I'm wondering what it is. Maybe it's a ligament thing? Hopefully it's nothing.

It doesn't help that Mr. PJ was excited the first few days, but has frozen up. He's afraid to get attached to the idea. He didn't want to talk about it today with his mom, and he didn't want to talk about it this evening with me. Sigh...

Wish us luck.

Head Spins

Thanks SO much for all of your congrats! It's been very exciting to read your responses!

It's been an overwhelmingly exciting week, and my head is spinning with everything from OB's to bella bands.

We are so happy, albeit cautiously. It's been fun to share the news with our family. Of course we preface everything with, "it's still early" and "anything can happen", but it's still very awesome news.

The relief I feel about this possibly being it, about NOT having to go through another cycle, is amazing. No more GonalF? Ever? Graduating from my R.E.? Seriously? Not us? Is that even possible?!!!


I continue to have the love/hate thing for my symptoms. I can describe my day with three words, sleeping, working, and eating.

I've been napping when I get home from work for about an hour every evening, and then going back to bed around 8 or 9. Pretty much, I've been getting 10 hours of sleep every day and I STILL feel so tired every day around noon. It's really bad by 3:00, and I think any amount of sitting makes it worse. Usually if I don't get a good night's sleep, I can sleep extra the next day and feel recuperated. Not so much with this... Apparently making two human beings the size of blueberries is hard work on the body.

The morning sickness, isn't really morning sickness for me. It's "whenever it wants to show up" sickness. On the way home from that amazing R.E.'s appointment on Monday, I got sick in the car. I may burn my car, or have it shampooed, I haven't decided. I think part of that was just the relief/emotions of it all. But in general, mostly it's some smell that will set me off. Gas at the gas station, air fresheners, cologne...

Funny story about the cologne.... One of my students, who is about seven must have dumped his dad's Axe cologne on himself yesterday and it was so bad that I made him go to the nurse and change! Although, I'm pretty sure it was assaulting other noses too.

Sometimes food doesn't taste good that I normally love. I'm STARVING so I get something and then I can't finish it. So I guess I'll have to start eating smaller meals, more frequently (easier said than done). I'm really thirsty, but am trying to hold back in the evenings because I've NO LIE had to run to pee up to FIVE times at night. I have never peed so much in my life.

I was thinking about buying a bella band. I'm sure it will jinx me, and some horrible thing will happen. I haven't cracked open the dusty "what to expect" book yet, because of said jinxing. But a bunch of my pants are really tight. I haven't gained weight though! But the thought of being able to just permanently unbutton with abandon is definitely appealing. Is it sad that at 7 weeks I'm already considering elastic alternatives? Will I get stricken down for walking into Motherhood Maternity?

I think I've picked an OB. I asked for a referral, anyway. This guy is probably 800 years old, but he's well published, a specialist in high risk, and lots of people have said wonderful things about him. I think he's a cousin, uncle, brother-in-law of my hematologist-Dr. Unbelieveablylongname, because his name is almost equally unbelieveably long and complicated.

Um... I have to pee and then sleep now, so that'll be all of the bloggythingy today. :)